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Twilight: A Review

November 26, 2009

I ewzed my way over to the theatres last night to watch New Moon, the latest release of the Twilight Saga. First of all, I’m not going to sit here and condescendingly look down upon the Twihards like some reactionary conservative pop-culture ignoramous. But, I do have a funny story to tell. We had to go to three different movie theatres as all were sold out by the time we got there. When we finally got to the last one, there was a huge, enormous, line of Twihards that continued far far down the street. We walked in, however, and saw that the main ticket counter was actually empty. SO we proceeded to buy tickets and asked the ticket attendant why there were a bunch of women lined up outside when they could just buy tickets here. He replied “I know. We told them a number of times that they don’t have to line up outside in the cold, but they don’t believe us.”

As we went back outside, tickets in hand, we stopped at one girl in the queue and told her “you know you don’t have to line up here in the cold. There are a couple of empty ticket counters inside.” We waved our tickets as proof. The girl looked at us supiciously, then turned to the girl behind her and said “okay, you go check. I’ll save your spot here just in case.” And that charming example of obsessive paranoia, my little ewzies, perfectly describes a Twihard. God bless them.

Anyway onto the movie…

The movie was, apart from a few snooze-worthy Bella scenes, an absolutely brilliant love story. It touched on themes of longing, difficult decisions about compromise, desire, lost and unrequited love, heartbreak, and six-pack abs. Additionally, it’s a great story about a long rivalry between two groups: vampires and werewolves, and what happens when one, incredibly gormless young girl, gets caught in the middle.

The gothic feel of the movie was terrific. The cinematography was to die for, with beautiful scenery, intense colours, and fast-paced action. What I really liked about New Moon, compared to the first Twilight movie, was the fact that it rotated quite well between the werewolves and the vampires, with each pack having its own feel: the scenes with the werewolves felt like you were immersed in the leafy woods with them, and the scenes were constructed in a chaotically playful cub-like way. The vampire scenes, on the other hand, were stark and dramatic gothic scenes that felt old and victorian. Brilliant.

Edward and Jacob were brilliant characters. The former’s transformation from naive, friendly, smitten teenager to conflicted yet passionate young werewolf was great to watch. The character was incredibly likeable, friendly, and caring. Similarly, Edward, while slightly emo and less likeable than Jacob, was self-deprecating and ironic enough that his smugness was admirable in some way. And then there’s Bella.

I just don’t get it. Bella is perhaps the most unintentionally unlikeable character I have ever seen on the big screen. I mean, Christ, what a needy, gormless, moody bitch. Why either of these two ‘monsters’ are even remotely interested in someone so utterly pathetic is completely lost on me. In the movie, Bella’s entire life revolves around Edward, and to some degree, Jacob. Any scene where she exists without them is spent longing for them, silently staring out the window as voiceover Bella tells us she has nothing to live for anymore. But that’s only sometimes. The other times she is trying to kill herself so that she can get a glimpse of Edward’s ghost, starving herself, or writhing in bed screaming and howling in the agony of being alone. Honestly, at times the screams got so bad I fetl I was watching an MSF ad. Someone needs to tell Bella that in some countries people are dying because of war.

Bella, moaning to Jacob about something.


An in-depth anlaysis of Bella’s complete and utter uselessness can be found here, where the author talks more about why Bella’s character was made to be so vapid. Twilight’s a great love story, but Bella’s vapidity takes away from the entire movie: it’s difficult to believe that such interseting guys would be so smitten with her. Not in a single scene is she shown to have any redeeming qualities other than complaining, pouting, and generally being a downer– even at her own birthday party. So ultimately, any conversation whe Bella is around revolves around angsty issues– she just doesn’t know how to have fun. I don’t know what it tells you about her two love warriors, but when you’re attracted to a woman who is absolutely incapable of carrying a conversation that doesn’t involve complaining about the relationship you have, is that really something you want to stick around for?

Honestly Bella, you need to learn to be alone for a while. Spend some time learning to love yourself, develop hobbies, crack a smile, and for God’s sake woman get out of bed and have something to eat, where’s your dignity?

As I initially said, I am not going to bash the Twihards for loving this ultimately very cheesy and completely unrealistic narrative. But, girls, please, do not for one second think that a character such as Bella would ever, in reality, attract characters like Edward and Jacob. If this was real life, Edward would have long decided he in fact would never want to make Bella immortal (because seriously, could you imagine having someone so moody, mopey and humourless around you forever…literally?), and Jacob would have ditched her to go hang out with his gay boys.

Oh, and as if there was any doubt, Team Taylor all the way, bitches.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. theflithyviewer permalink
    November 26, 2009 12:59 pm

    and for the opposing view, from the Salon see here

  2. December 17, 2009 2:31 am

    I’m just throwing this out there… Hayden Pantierre would’ve made a great Bella Swan.

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