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‘The Hills’ Are Alive With the Sound of Crazy

January 24, 2010

Heidi's surgery run-down (click to enlarge)

I’m not going to lie to you; I’ve watched The Hills.

During the first few seasons, it was actually weirdly compelling, and before the storylines started to recycle themselves and there were more one-dimensional characters than you could shake an STD test at, the show was entertaining. My favorite parts of the show were Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt – also affectionately known as Speidi. I loved them because they were ridiculous. They were obnoxious, they were self-centered, and most of all, they were deluded. I have a soft spot for the crazies, and on a backdrop of characters with about as much depth as a kiddie pool, their hilarious and fame-whoring antics brought in an endless supply of laughs.

Even outside of The Hills, their otherwise unacceptable behavior was amusing to me. Whether it was the couple’s stint on ‘I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’, Heidi’s Miss Universe performance, which she swore was live (we’ll turn a blind eye to the fact that even Britney Spears is a better lip-syncer), or their televised wedding, I consistently laughed them off as publicity stunts, and even gave the couple credit for being so shameless and cut-throat in their eternal quest for relevance and fame. Each of these stunts – even the wedding – could easily be a set up, I told myself. Maybe they’re the ones having the last laugh. And then Heidi dropped off the face of the earth for a couple of months, and earlier this month, shit got serious…

Heidi Montag, long before she was introduced to her plastic surgeon


Suddenly, Heidi was on the cover of People Magazine looking dramatically different, standing next to a headline screaming ‘ADDICTED TO PLASTIC SURGERY’. Inside, a before and after side-by-side comparison went over the 10 – that’s TEN – surgeries she voluntarily went under, including but not limited to shaving down her chin, carving into her back bone for “a curvier look”, and a buttock augmentation. The first time Heidi went under the knife a couple of years ago for a nose job and breast augmentation, she came out looking only slightly different. Sure, the awkward but very pretty girl next door was long gone, but she still resembled herself. The woman currently trying to pass herself off as Heidi, however, bears no likeness to a 23-year old. Between the botox, eyebrow lift, and fat injections in her face, Heidi now looks about 20 years older than she actually is, and her petite body looks painful as it attempts to support triple-D breasts (she wanted to go bigger, explaining without a lick of sarcasm that she would have liked “a size H, for Heidi”).

Funnily enough, the big reveal happened a week before her album’s release, much to the dismay of her plastic surgeon, who has publicly stated that she isn’t in any shape to be flaunting herself so soon after the surgery. During the media blitz that Montag created around the reveal, she consistently referenced her album, and even used the title (‘Superficial’) in as many different ways as possible.

Heidi, January 2010


This is where someone needs to draw a line. For years her behavior wasn’t exactly worthy of respect, but it was easily ignored or laughed off. When someone physically alters themselves beyond recognition for attention and exposure, it stops being funny and starts being sick. This isn’t an act on a Z-List reality show; this isn’t erratic behavior at a public event; this is a perfectly healthy and beautiful 23-year-old woman putting herself in danger to cultivate some interest in a CD. The poor girl has some serious psychological issues, and it is worrying that her ordeal is being glamorized on the cover of magazines and given airtime on early-evening celebrity news shows. The Hills still attracts millions of viewers – many of whom are younger girls – and it is concerning that they will be exposed to someone who obviously has deep-rooted problems. She publicly speaks about how, between the surgeries and the album, she is now broke – only 6 months after asking to leave ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ for being “too rich [for this humiliation]”.

The silver lining in this story is that Heidi’s album sold a measly 658 copies in it’s first week of release. Her idea of promotion obviously didn’t pay off the way she’d hoped, but it did garner an unbelievable amount of attention, the effects of which are still unclear. However, if reports that her plastic surgeon has been inundated with calls for the ‘Heidi Look’ are true, then we should all be very, very worried. Is this the image that is being sent out to young girls? Do anything that needs to be done – pose for playboy, get married, spend all your [arguably] hard earned money, even succumb yourself to a 10 hour voluntary surgery – for attention?

And to think, 10 years ago, our biggest problem was Britney’s virginity.

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